Sex, Weight Gain, and Tough Decisions

24 Jan

The following is another installment of my sex advice article series.  I always welcome more questions, so don’t be afraid to send them my way (blogsfeme@gmail.com), nothing is too taboo, and everything is completely confidential.

I have gained weight recently and I feel fat.  I know I’m not, but I just feel fat because this is the most I’ve weighed.  So what do I do to feel better and not let it affect how I interact with guys or am in bed?

I feel like this is an issue that plagues a lot of people (women and men) in general, and I’m sorry to say I don’t have a catch-all solution to your problem.   Separating your self-esteem from your weight is hard.  I’m not going to lie,  it’s very hard.  I’ve been trying to do it all of my life, and only have gotten close in the last couple of years.  There are a couple of things in play here, and I will attempt to address one at a time.

 

So, the two issues we are looking at are the way you feel, and the way you project how you feel in you social and sexual interactions.   I believe that solving the first will solve the second.

So, one thing you should do, is get some new clothes.  I’m not talking about a wardrobe overhaul, just items that fit you well and make you feel effortlessly confident in.   If you’re between sizes, splurge on tailoring some of your favorite pieces to make sure they fit just right.  Make sure they aren’t outfits that you will be constantly pulling and adjusting all day to make sure they stay on your body correctly.  I also recommend some pieces that accentuate your best assets, even if some of them have gotten bigger lately.  You don’t mention how much weight you’ve actually gained, but I would recommend a new bra-measuring if your cup size has changed.  Nothing flatters better than a well-supported rack! Also, pretty, sexy underwear does wonders for your confidence.

On that note, toss the clothes that don’t fit you anymore.  This is really hard because you want to tell yourself, “but if I just lose x lbs I’ll fit into that again!”  However, if you don’t lose that weight, it will make you feel like shit on a daily basis, seeing that pair of jeans that doesn’t fit anymore lying in your closet, taunting you.  Also, even if the weight does come off, it’s always more fun to treat yourself to something new, instead of dusting off some sweater from 2 years ago.

When you say you “feel fat”, what I’m hearing is “I don’t feel good inside my own skin.”  There is a disconnect between how your body looks and how it makes you feel.   I want you to pick one physical activity that makes you feel good.  It doesn’t have to make you lose the weight.  In fact, I want you to enjoy this activity so much that you completely forget about what your body looks like when you are doing it.  It doesn’t have to be strenuous.  The only two requirements for this activity are that it makes you use your body and that you have fun doing it.

The next part is going to sound a bit hokey, but trust me on this — it works.  I want you to do this activity for 15 minutes every day, or to your best ability.   This will help you associate your body with something that you enjoy and love, rather than something that makes you feel sad and crappy.  As soon as that happens, you’ll start to feel more confident when you are interacting with men and in the bedroom as well.

I just want to add one piece of sex advice, since that’s what this bit is all about in the end.  This is something that I’ve figured out a long time ago, and it has greatly improved how I feel about myself in bed:

If a person (man, woman, or other) is having sex with you, then they already find you sexy, or else they wouldn’t be doing it.

Always keep that in mind when you are in bed with someone.  They find your body absolutely tantalizing and want to touch and kiss you everywhere.   You have nothing to prove anymore, so just enjoy the ride.  Also, try to remember that not everybody finds the same things attractive.  How you look is in itself a passive filter that will keep out anyone that isn’t attracted to you.   Keeping that in mind will also help color some of your interactions with potential suitors.  Like my grandmother always says, “nobody notices your sense of humor from across the room!”

I’ve been infatuated with this person for months, and it has recently come to light that they reciprocate.  The bad news is that their previous significant other has given them herpes.  What do I do?

First of all, let me congratulate you on being the star in your own personal rom-com!  I find it fairly uncommon to experience that type of mutual crush realization.  But let’s move on to the pressing issue at hand!

So, the decision here is whether you pursue this relationship and potentially expose yourself to herpes, or play it safe and walk away.  On one hand, if this is the love of your life, and you think that the two of you are going to merrily skip into the sunset together, then herpes might not be a high price to pay for happily ever after.  After all, it might be permanent, and occasionally unpleasant, but it is actually not all that dangerous.  It doesn’t cause death like HIV, or infertility like some of the bacterial infections (chlamydia, gonorrhea) , so there may be a future for the three of you: you, your crush, and your herpes.

On the other hand, you might not be so convinced that this is the person for you.  Sure, they are attractive and have a great personality, but who’s to say that they don’t have some serious dealbreakers lying under that surface.  The good news is that you don’t have to decide right now.  Nobody is making you have sex with this person right away.  Take your time, get to know them really well.  See their place, and take note of how they live.  Figure out if you have long-term compatibility.  Date, for goodness sake!

Now, if you do decide to have sex with this person, here’s a bit of information about herpes and prevention measures you might want to keep in mind:

  1. Herpes is contracted through skin-to-skin contact.  Condoms reduce your risk of infection, but they do not prevent it.  Herpes are most infectious during an outbreak, but there is still some risk between outbreaks.
  2. Know when your partner has an outbreak and how they control outbreaks.  Find out if they are taking any medications that prevent outbreaks (such as Valtrex).  If they aren’t, that should be something you can (very) strongly suggest they do to protect your health.
  3. The same anti-virals that are used to suppress outbreaks can also be taken by you to help reduce the risk of infection.  So, if you decide to become sexually active with your crush, you should think about getting a prescription from your doctor.

Lastly, herpes has not always been as stigmatized as it is today.  Many people are more afraid of getting herpes than they are of getting HIV, which is just plain dumb.  Herpes, while kind of ugly and unpleasant occasionally, is virtually harmless.  Show of hands: who gets cold sores on their mouth? Congratulations, you have herpes! I think it’s ridiculous that people with herpes have to suffer such stigma, and fear of rejection.  Did you know there are support groups for people with herpes?  Did you know that people with herpes often suffer from depression and consider self-harm? This is what our culture has done to these poor people!  And for what? For a couple of sores on their balls? I firmly believe it needs to stop.  People with herpes deserve to be loved too.

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Happy Birthday Blogsfeme, and a Happy New Year!

1 Jan

first-birthday-cupcakeToday Blogsfeme turns one year old! I think it’s pretty exciting! I’m very proud that I stuck with a project for this long, and so far have no intention of abandoning it. I do, however, aim to make some changes that I’m anxious to implement. I plan on increasing the frequency of posts, and for that I am actively seeking help from my readers, especially when it comes to my sex advice posts. Of course, I plan on writing posts on other topics, but for the advice ones I need you guys to send me questions! There is no such thing as too inane or too strange or too kinky! I promise you I cannot be shocked!!
Coincidentally (not really, it was on purpose), today is also New Year’s Day! Well, at least for another few hours. I’m usually not a fan of resolutions, because they rarely actually yield results, but I’ve found myself in a bit of a funk the past couple of months. I’ve decided to compile a list of changes I’d like to make in my life that I think would help me break out of this funk, as well as increase my productivity and overall level of well-being. I’m not calling them “resolutions”, but rather personal suggestions that I would like to explore in my life.

 

Write, a lot.

Over the past couple of years, whether it has been journaling or blogging, writing has become a very real passion for me. However, I have noticed that I tend to limit activities that make me truly happy when there are other responsibilities that I feel need to be completed first. So, when I procrastinate on unpleasant activities, I also punish myself by disallowing myself to work on my less pressing, but more enjoyable projects. I think this year I would like to make writing a priority. I’ve decided to increase blog posts to once a week, as a start, and hopefully get that number up to a solid three posts a week within the next few months. I also have a couple of other writing projects in the works that I would like to carve out chunks of time for in my life.

Be Creative.

I tend to put the majority of my focus on practical projects, but sometimes I feel myself burning out. In college, I used to always balance my very Math-heavy course load with something fun like Women’s Studies or Science Fiction Literature. It seems I have forgotten to do the same thing in my post-college career. I genuinely miss being creative with my hands, whether it’s two-dimensional such as drawing, painting, or pastels, or something more tactile such as knitting and sewing. In an effort to add an element of practicality to my artistic endeavors as incentive to give myself permission to indulge in them, I will use all my projects as either decorations for my personal spaces or as pieces that can be worn as accessories or even items of clothing (if I’m feeling ambitious).

Respect My Vessel.

I tend to view myself as only my brain, separate from the rest of my body. I’ve always believed on some level that the vessel does not matter, that only the contents matter. This past year has taught me that this is not true. At the ripe age of twenty-six, I have begun to feel the effects of aging and an unhealthy lifestyle on my body, and I’ve noticed how distracting it can be to my cognitive processes. I’m not resolving to lose weight or run marathons, because those resolutions tend to get lost in the fray by the end of January. Rather, I would like to increase my intake of nutrient-rich foods, and add some sort of physical activity to my daily routine. I’m not going to set specific goals, because knowing myself, if I don’t reach them, I will end up in a shame cycle of even more unhealthy habits. Rather, I am just going to be mindful of what I put into my body and the way I move it on a daily basis.

Make Friends.

I think if you’ve been reading my writing for any period of time or know me in person, you are well aware that I’m a bit of an introvert. I’m very bad at making new friends. The awesome friends that I do have are like special little puzzle pieces that fit me just right. Unfortunately, many of them no longer reside in the area, or have more pressing responsibilities like grad school or children, and I don’t fault them for it. This DOES NOT mean I want my friends to put their lives on hold so that they can spend more time with me, but it does mean that I need to expand my social circle. This is probably the hardest task I will undertake this year.

Keep to a Schedule.

I’ve found that if I don’t have structure in my life, then very little gets done. However, sometimes you have to make your own structure. I’m going try this. Wish me luck.

Participate.

My favorite part of 2012 (and everyone else’s least favorite part) was the election. I forgot how much I like talking, writing, and thinking about policy. I’ve gotten so complacent over the years, but this election season has woken up my inner activist. This year I would like get out there and participate in politics, activism, and definitely volunteer to help better the world around me, and of course, mine those experience for interesting writing topics to share with you!

Be Direct.

I like to pride myself on my straight forward style of communication. However, I’ve learned over the past few months that I may not be as good at expressing my needs as I thought I was. It seems that even though I’m a capital F Feminist when it comes to bigger social structures, I am still defaulting to certain gender roles when it comes to my personal relationships. I’m realizing that I’m not speaking up about what I need from my potential partners for fear of being rejected, and as a result, I am not getting my needs met. To be clear, I’m talking about emotional needs, not sexual needs, I’m always very outspoken about my sexual needs. I think this approach will yield two results: my needs being met more often and weeding out partners that are unable to meet those needs.
So there it is. I’m both nervous and excited to get started. Also, I would love to hear any and all input and advice on any of my ideas for the upcoming year. You know what to do!

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Vibrators and Mustaches: These Are a Few of My Favorite Things

6 Dec

Over the past couple of months, I have been approached to offer sex advice from a female (and sometimes feminist perspective). I’ve received a few questions in the mail, so this is going to be my first installment of my sex advice articles (name pending, suggestions welcome).

The first question is a little bit delayed since it is now December, but I think it is still relevant:

My boyfriend is growing a mustache for Movember. I find it wonderful that he’s doing it for a great cause to raise money and awareness to men’s health issues, but I have two major problems with it. The first is that I think he’s doing it for the wrong reasons because of all of the positive (and often inappropriate) attention he gets from his female coworkers. The more important issue is that I no longer find him as attractive and think he looks a bit like a rapist trucker. What should I do?

Hairy Situation

Continue reading →

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Breaking Old Habits and Why Women Don’t Approach Men

22 Oct

No, thank you.

I’ve recently found a new favorite blogger, Doctor Nerdlove (no, he’s not a real doctor), that strives at teaching nerdy, geeky, or otherwise socially awkward men how to talk to, approach, and date women in a positive and ethical way (bonus scavenger hunt: check out his last few entries and see if you can find me).  One subject I’ve noticed he’s broached a few times is why women don’t approach men.  Many shy or introverted guys complain about this all the time, and the complaints range from fear of seeming creepy,  to fear of rejection, and to outright calling women lazy and unwilling to do any of the dating legwork.  I can see these complaints are coming from a place of fear and anxiety (Disclaimer: “Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to Hate. Hate leads to suffering” – Yoda), and I do understand that place on a very personal level.  Approaching new people is hard and stressful, especially when you are introverted, and it’s even hard when you don’t want a romantic connection and are just trying to make new friends.  I know it is a HUGE issue for me, and has been discussed at length with both my friends and my therapist.  That being said, there are very good reasons why women tend to not approach men.

 

The biggest one is that women have been socialized from an early age that they are supposed to be passive players in the dating arena.  The message is, “If you approach, call, or ask out a man first, you have taken the chase out of the game and he will lose all respect for you as a human being.”   Now, as much as we would all like to throw that out the window by arguing, “But, feminism!”  It just doesn’t work that way.  Yes, I am a feminist.  Yes, I am acutely aware of the socially constructed reasons I am not going up to the cute boy at the bar.  No, it does not change a damn thing, because just because I’m a feminist and have evolved past outdated gender roles, does not mean he has.  I work under the assumption that most men do not identify as  feminists, and for the most part, do not try to impose my views on them, unless they actively engage me on the subject.  Women are also socialized to be nice to strangers.  Even when we are rejecting a stranger’s approach, we usually try to do it politely, unless the way the stranger approaches us is inappropriate, offensive, or downright threatening, and even in those cases, we tend keep things as civil as possible.

“Do not want!”

On the other hand, men can be downright cruel when a woman they do not find attractive dares to approach them.  Depending on the contingent of the venue, responses to unwanted approaches can range from laughing at the woman to pointing out all the reasons that she is not worthy of his attention (usually in terms of physical flaws) to just ignoring her and turning away.  However, if the guy in question finds the woman approaching him attractive, then he assumes that she is looking for a lot more than just conversation.  The response becomes overtly sexual in nature, to the point where it can be downright scary for the woman who only wanted to talk to the guy and get to know him better.  Even if the conversation doesn’t turn that way, and there is just flirting, there are many men out there take a friendly approach as permission for sex.  Not every woman out there is savvy enough not to let a friendly stranger walk her home after she was drinking, and her drunken state combining with her supposed sexual enthusiasm can lead to a sexual encounter that is not exactly consensual.  I know it’s a stretch to go from approaching a man in a bar to date rape, but not all guys are good guys, and women do not have a special power to tell the bad from the good on first glance.  When we let a guy come to us, it lets us set the pace of encounter, and essentially keep ourselves safe.  The approach carries a higher risk for women than it does for men.  The worst consequence for an unsuccessful approach for a man is a cold shoulder and a “no, thanks”, while the worst consequence for a woman might be date rape.

The other big reason why women do not approach men is because we suffer from the same insecurities that men do, if not many many more.  That girl you’ve been eyeing across the bar might be eyeing you back, but is too insecure to come say “Hi”.  Our culture tells women that we are primarily valued for our looks, and the standard that is set is almost impossibly high to achieve for any normal woman.  Many men perceive women as these gatekeepers to sex/relationships/etc., standing there like Empress Nympho from History of the World Part 1 saying “No, no, no, no, no, no, Yes! no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Yes!”  That is not the case.  There may be a handful of very attractive women out there who play this role, but the majority of single women out there do not get approached as much as men might like to believe.  I know plenty of beautiful women who scrutinize every tiny aspect of their face, body, and hair until they are thoroughly convinced that they are some sort of deformed monster and no man would ever touch them.  Just recently, I purchased a vanity mirror for my room to avoid lugging make up back and forth to and from the bathroom while getting ready.  This mirror turned out to be the Satan’s own tool, because while one side of it was just a normal mirror, the other was magnified.  So, while I was blissfully unaware of my face for years before, now, I get a clear view of every single pore and blackhead and budding pimple.  Now, I can’t go out in public during the day for fear of sending young children crying to their parents upon gazing at the monstrosity that is my face!

It isn’t just the standard.  As I’ve mentioned, our culture primarily values us for our looks.  Hillary Clinton can log in more air miles than any other Secretary of State, but the media will still comment on her lack of make-up or slight weight gain.  In our culture, a perfectly average (or even unattractive) man can approach a woman and dazzle her with his sense of humor and wit, and leave the bar with her in tow, or at least her number in his pocket (or smartphone).  Alternatively, no matter how funny and witty and smart a woman is, if she doesn’t measure up to a man’s standard of physical attractiveness, she is not seen as a potential date; she has no romantic value.  Granted, this is a sweeping generalization, and of course there will be exceptions, but in general, women are much more able to alter their physical preferences to allow kindness, sense of humor, and intelligence to make up the difference.

Please, please do not read this as piece accusing men of bad judgement, behavior, etc.  This is a comment on our system.  The system that benefits no one.  It doesn’t benefit women, and it certainly doesn’t benefit men who often feel so disenfranchised by dating.  I don’t have solutions to this, other than trying to plead with both genders to be more understanding towards each other.  The men who put women at risk of approaching them are not the men who are reading this, so saying “Be nice!” or “Don’t rape!” does not really apply to the current audience.  What I can advise men struggling to approach women is lower your physical standards.  You may find that “what is pleasing to the eye and what is pleasing to the touch are seldom the same thing” (Pulp Fiction).  Some of those standards you hold may not even be standards that you arrived at yourself, but rather those dictated by our culture.  Forget about having a girl to show off to your friends, because in the long run, your friends will appreciate a girlfriend that they can get along with and laugh with and socialize with, rather than just a girl they can gaze at and be envious of.  Break old habits, and things will get better.  I promise!

On a side note, tweet me @onlyYevster if you’re feeling down about yourself and I will tweet you back an affirmation or something that will (attempt to) make you feel better!

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Yeva’s Rules: Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby!

27 Aug

Have Safe sex: use condoms!

I don’t know if it’s because of summer or my desire to “christen” my new apartment, but I’ve had sex on my mind.  Unlike the regular run-of-the-mill hornball, when I think about sex, it isn’t just with the explicit purpose of getting some.  Rather, I like to analyze the whole process, and think about the difference between good, bad, and mediocre sex, as well as the difference in experiences between men and women.  This time, I am not going to write about relationships and calling your date after a one night stand, because your sexual morality is between you and yourself and the poor sap/sappette you’re banging.  However, I do wanna propose some basic rules for both genders that would make the experience better for both parties, as well as possibly facilitate finding partners to have sex with more often.  Also, I do want to preface this by saying that more of my rules are aimed at men because I have very limited insight into what men want in a sexual partner, but I will share the insight that I do have.

 

1.  If you want to get laid more, be good at sex.  

I know this sounds very elementary, but hear me out.  I hear a lot of men complain that women have it much easier when it comes to finding sexual partners or that their current sexual partners are not willing to have sex as often as they’d prefer.   Before you attempt this piece of advice, make sure that the problem is not an issue of hormones (some contraceptives severely decrease a woman’s libido), naturally mismatched libido, or some other physiological condition that may be making sex uncomfortable or unpleasurable for your partner.  I also urge you to remember no one is entitled to sex whether it is from a one night stand or from a long-term relationship or from your spouse.  This, however, will increase your odds.

It doesn’t matter how long you’ve committed to your current partner, whether it’s one night or a lifetime, it’s important to listen to what she is saying both with her words and her body language.  When a woman stiffens up, when her face looks uncomfortable, or when all “pleasure” sounds suddenly stop, that may be a pretty good sign that she is not enjoying herself anymore.  Here’s a couple simple tips:

a. Please try to remember, that you are not starring in a pornography film, and your partner most likely does not have the flexibility nor the pain tolerance for the acrobatics you are trying on her.

b.The vagina is a mostly internal organ, and even though it is tough enough to withstand pushing out a small human, that does not mean you need to test the integrity of a woman’s cervix by attempting to drill through it to China.

c. Find the clitoris, and then make friends with it.  This is important.

d. A woman’s body consists of more than just her breasts and her vagina.  Pay physical attention to more of it.

e. The female orgasm is not a competition.  There is no cash prize if you can get a woman to have one.  True, it is desirable, but there are occasions where it’s just not going to happen.  If you notice that your partner is no longer enjoying herself, and there is a significant decrease in lubrication, it may be time to take a break and try again later.  Trying to coax an orgasm out of a woman after the time of arousal has passed can range from uncomfortable to downright painful, and in that case, giving up is a-okay.

There is also some great tips on achieving the female orgasm in The 4-Hour Body, and I advise you to check it out.

Guys, while you’re reading this, you might be asking, “What’s in it for me? Why should I care if this girl I’m never going to see again is going to get off?”  Well, that brings me to the first part of my advice: the “if you want to get laid more” part.  If you are a single guy, and this was just a night of casual sex with someone you just met or possibly a friend that you have no intention of dating, then you have just become what I call a “Reliable Source of Good Sex” for that woman.  Let me clarify.  While it may be true that women might have an easier time finding new sexual partners (I don’t always agree with this, but it’s not an argument I have any interest of exploring in this post), we have a much harder time finding new sexual partners that are also a satisfying experience for us.  Many of us, myself included, have a short list of men we know are going to provide a worthwhile experience for us.  Being on that list carries the benefit of engaging in some impromptu sex with a somewhat familiar partner.  Also, even if a guy on that list initiates first contact (a.k.a. “the booty call”), a woman is more likely to respond.  Thus, being on that list increases the likelihood of getting laid.

This also works for men in relationships.  I’m going to come clean about something right now.  I was once in a relationship that was extremely sexually unsatisfying.  I am not going to go into detail as to what made it that way, but he clearly had no one to tell him about sub-rules (a)- (e).  Also, I was younger and less sexually liberated then, which meant I was much less comfortable discussing my needs and providing constructive direction, and for that, I do take the blame.  On the other hand, the gentleman in question was also somewhat older than me, and at an age where he should have known better.  In any case, the bottom line was that I stopped putting out almost entirely.  I’ve also been in relationships where I literally could not get enough of my partner, and we would barricade ourselves in my bedroom for days on end.  So the point I’m trying to make here, is that more satisfying sexual experiences lead to more frequent sexual experiences.

I’m not just chiding the men here.  I have heard very similar complaints from male friends about their partners as well.  As a woman who does not have a penis, I can’t offer any concrete advice for the ladies in this department, but I beg you! Please put down the Cosmo sex tips.  No man wants honey dribbled on his balls, that is just a recipe for a horrible sticky mess and a possible yeast infection.  I can offer you this though:

a. Participate in the act.  Your vagina is not magical.  It is not enough to just lie there limply. Move your hips, make some noises, do something!

b. Do not use your teeth on delicate areas. ‘Nuff said.

c. Same as the guys, pay attention to your partners verbal and non-verbal cues.

2. Stop caring so goddamn much about hair.
This applies to both genders.  I’m not saying go all 70’s bush, or advising women to stop shaving their legs and armpits completely.  All I’m saying is that physical affection should not be conditional.  Personally, I prefer a natural guy, and I know many women who do as well.  No woman is going to enjoy rug burn on her breasts because of her man’s chest stubble.  And guys, stop expecting women to have the pubic hair of a 10 year old girl, by which I mean none at all.  I’m not going to lie and say I never wax, because I do, all I’m saying is loosen up a bit.  Our culture seems to want to equate hairlessness with cleanliness, which is just plain inaccurate.  For women, hair is there as a first line of defense against stuff getting into our lady garden.  For both genders, hair prevents friction during sex, which is useful in preventing skin inflammation in that area.  If you genuinely believe that a person’s body in its natural form is repulsive, I highly suggest re-evaluating your priorities.  I’m not trying to politicize your pubic hair maintenance choices here, I’m just trying to encourage people to enjoy themselves more rather than worry about their level of hairiness or trying to budget for a brazilian by skimping on groceries or other necessities.

3. Talk To Each Other

This should probably be first, but I’m putting it last so that it really sticks in everyone’s mind.  Talk to your partner.  Talk about your preferences as well as things that you hands-down do not enjoy.  Be open-minded to your partner’s desires.  Just because you haven’t thought of something before, does not mean you will not enjoy it if you try it, and if you absolutely do not want to try something, be respectful when saying “no”.  It takes a lot of courage for some people to share that part of themselves with their partner, and a thoughtless rejection can be a very hurtful blow.  Don’t laugh or dismiss your partner’s suggestions.  Be a decent human being.

I know I’m not an authority on sex, but this advice has been gathered from both personal experience and conversations with friends of both genders.  I think both genders sometimes neglect to share their views on sex with their current partners whether out of fear of rejection or of hurting the other person’s feelings.  So, I thought I would take it upon myself to share all the thoughts I’ve acquired on the subject.   That way, I’ve done all the hard work for you! Now go forth, and copulate!

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Learning to Apologize and Knowing When Not To

3 Jul

There are two things that get me all riled up and preaching from my proverbial pedestal. The first, is when someone non-apologizes to me with some version of “I’m sorry you feel that way”, and the second, is when someone pressures me to apologize for something that I don’t feel I have to apologize. Over the past few days, I have encountered both of those infuriating situations and decided to comment on them both in turn.

 

Let’s start with the non-apology apology. I’m sure you’ve all heard it, and I will concede there are appropriate instances where this apology can be used. For example, when I was working for a certain national wireless provider and was helping a customer, and the conversation went like this:

Customer: “My phone is broken, I would like you to give me a new free phone.”

Me: “It looks like you’re still under warranty, let me get you a certified like-new replacement at no cost to you.”

Customer: “No! I said I want a new phone.”

Me: “It doesn’t look like you have an upgrade, so I cannot offer you a new phone at this time.”

Customer: “That’s not fair!”

Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

In this situation, I’m really not sorry, because I, personally, did not say anything to offend them or hurt their feelings, and therefore, I am more than justified in using this non-apology to pacify the customer.

This statement, and its derivatives, imply that either you are apologizing for something that is out of your hands, or if it is in your control, you don’t give a monkey’s bottom that the other person is upset. For me, the issue arises when this non-apology is used by a friend or family member (as in someone who is supposed to care about my feelings), or a member of the opposite sex who is trying to flirt and make conversation with me. The conversation usually proceeds like this:

(Let Fred* be a friend or a man trying to get to know me better).
*This is not to imply that only men are guilty of this, I just like using the name Fred.

Fred: “Oh, well, [insert offensive or patronizing statement]…”

Me: “Fred, what you just said, that was pretty offensive.”

Fred: “I didn’t mean it that way, I’m sorry you took it that way.”

Here Fred either doesn’t care that he offended me, or doesn’t care that he offended me and thinks I’m stupid enough to accept his cow-dung of a non-apology. If Fred is my friend, this is like a slap in the face, because even though, he did not mean to offend me, he still perceives it as my personal problem. Let’s look at this this way: If I were to accidentally drop a brick on Fred’s foot, and physically hurt him, I would not say “I’m sorry your foot hurts.” It’s the same thing, I did not mean to drop the brick on his foot, just as he did not mean to say something that offended me, but I did and he did, and we both need to take responsibility for our actions and words, respectively, by apologizing like decent human beings.

People seem to think that saying that they are sorry is a sign of weakness or that by doing so, they are somehow giving up some sort of social power. That’s a steaming pile of crap. If you care about a person or their opinion of you, then apologize. Trust me, that person will respect you more for it.

Despite my previous ranting, I’m a firm believer of refusing to apologize for something you don’t have to apologize. Recently, I read (and heavily commented) an article  about a survey done on a dating site stating that 75% of single women will choose not to date an unemployed man. The article is not talking about women leaving their significant others because they were unexpectedly laid off, rather it is talking about women unwilling to start dating a man who is unemployed. I will be completely honest here, I consider myself one of these women, and I was completely unnerved by the level of mysogyny I encountered as a response to this article. The male response ranged from the illiterate slurs about gold-diggers to the more articulate outrage about women’s unfair standards in this economy. To which I firmly reiterate (as I have in previous blog posts), every one is allowed to have their preferences when it comes to choosing a potential mate.

I, myself, have gone through a bout of unemployment, and during that time, I had no interest in dating new people for two reasons: one, I did not want to feel like I was mooching off my date or in any way in debt to them (this feeling does not exist when I possess the money to pay my way, even if my date insists on treating me), and two, I was wary of any man who actively pursued a relationship with me knowing I was not working at the time, because it made me feel like he wanted me as an unequal partner over whom he could loom financial power (but maybe I’m paranoid). So with that, my response to the complaints was firmly: “Don’t worry about getting dates, worry about finding work, women aren’t going anywhere.” Apparently, that’s insensitive.

On a personal level, I named a plethora of other reasons that I, and many other independent, single women, may not want to date an unemployed man, some of which include:

    • I do not make a lot of money. I make enough for myself to get by. I make enough to pay for my portion of dates and activities, not for mine as well as my date’s on a regular basis.
    • Despite not making a lot of money, I do make enough to be able to engage in different activities and amusements. It’s a bummer being with someone who can never do anything because they are always broke.
    • There are many men out there who will not date women who have any sort of debt, because they do not want to compromise their own financial security. Even though I have student loans, I am in the same boat, because I’m not willing to risk my shaky independence for someone I don’t even know.

Lastly, these reasons are irrelevant. It doesn’t matter why I set the standards that I do, the key here is I’m allowed to set them. Women are bombarded from every direction in movies, TV shows, and magazines with “advice” on how to get a man to notice them, and unrealistic standards about how if you don’t color your hair here and remove it there, or if your body is too big here and too small there, then no man will want to be with you. Granted, there are a few of us who speak out (constructively) about these ideals, but for the most part, the majority of women shrug their shoulders and do what they’re told.

Men have always been allowed their standards and preferences, and I don’t begrudge them for it, because the statement “everyone is allowed their preferences” includes men, but as soon as women express any sort of dating standard, even the most basic like the one discussed above, all of a sudden we are turned into these huge villains. How dare our attempts to maintain the small financial successes we’ve achieved stand in the way of a man’s entitlement to have sex with us! The nerve of us women! Maybe I’m insensitive or an unfair individual, but at the end of the day, my number one job is take care of myself first, and I refuse to apologize for it, because if I don’t, who will?

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Coming Soon: Everywoman’s Guide

2 Jul

There’s a new category coming to this blog, which I think every one will enjoy (woman or man).   I’ve noticed that many people know how to use a computer for basic tasks such as e-mailing, word processing, surfing the net, etc., but a lot of times these people use “the long way” to do some of these tasks or even worse “the unsafe way”. Here by “unsafe”, I mean either putting their computer at risk from outside attacks, such as viruses and malware, or at risk in terms of internal performance.   Many of you might think that performance is not that important because you’re not using your computer to run anything resource-intensive such as video games or media-editing software, but the reality is that using unnecessary resources can have long term detrimental effects on your computer’s hardware, which can cost you money in the long run, and no one wants to spend money they don’t have to, am I right?

That is where my “Everywoman’s Guide” will come in.  In my posts, I will teach the average computer user new web and desktop shortcuts, basic computer maintenance (which will extend the life of your machine),  compare and review browsers and apps, and teach you how to use the web to its maximum potential.  Don’t worry! It won’t be boring!  I’ll do my best not to use tech lingo, as well as include pictures, and the occasional video, and everything that I write about I can promise I do myself on my own computer, and I haven’t just copied and pasted from a tech forum.

We all rely on technology, but I see so many people who are also afraid of it.  My main goal here is to eliminate that fear and make the average user more confident using their technology, whether it’s their computer or smartphone or tablet.  I already have a couple of entries planned, but if anyone has a specific issue they want addressed, please feel free to e-mail me (blogsfeme@gmail.com) or contact me through any other method on my Contact page.  If it’s not something that warrants a whole entry, I will collect questions and occasionally post a Q & A entry with a few different topics.  I do want to issue the disclaimer that I do not aim to be anyone’s personal technical support resource, so if you have an urgent issue, I suggest contacting the appropriate support center.

I’m really excited about this new project, just because this topic is so close to my heart, and also because I’m launching a programming-centered site soon which can be a nice reference for my more tech-advanced readers!

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But I Won’t Do That

5 Jun

Over the years I have received a lot of solicited and unsolicited dating advice from friends (both male and female), family, and occasionally co-workers.  Needless to say, none of it worked, since I am still very much single, but that might be because I refuse to follow the majority of it.  Sometimes I think that if I had, I might have a ring on my finger and be well on my way to my first white-picket fence, and then I remember why I don’t follow other people’s dating advice: because for me, it is not going to attract the type of person with whom I would want to spend the majority of my life.  Also, I’m going to issue a disclosure: this is, as are all my entries, an opinion piece and a fairly personal one at that,  so if it differs with anyone’s own personal views on love or romance, well then … tough.

The majority of dating advice falls into the realm of some variation of “The Rules”, i.e. don’t call/text him first, make him wait for sex, don’t be too intimidating with your opinions/views, don’t beat him at board games (video games in my case), etc.  My mother’s particular spin includes: don’t laugh too loudly, don’t be persistent in your opinions, don’t have radical opinions to begin with, and be skinny (because men hate fat women).  Now, I know the majority of people who read this blog also know me in person, and I’m sure they are laughing right now at how preposterous this advice is when it’s applied to me.  For those of you who have never met me, I’m opinionated, competitive, pretty loud, and very straight forward, also, I like to think I’m pretty sexually liberated.

Now, there is nothing wrong with more demure or more reserved women.  Everyone is entitled to their personality, and I understand that there are a lot of men out there that prefer those qualities in a mate, and everyone is entitled to their preferences.  A lot of people don’t prefer me as a friend either, and that’s ok, I don’t expect everyone to like me, because science knows I don’t like a lot of people.  However, I also understand that these people in general would not be good romantic nor friend matches for me.

It’s the same with the weight issue.  My mom likes to reiterate to me, that if I don’t lose the excess weight, then I will never find a husband (because that should be my end goal, right?), but why would I want to be with a man who won’t give me a second glance as I am now?  Just as with personality, everyone is entitled to their physical preferences, and I don’t condemn men who are not attracted to women with fuller figures.  However, I am also well aware that my weight is rarely constant, and even if I manage to shed a large amount of it, there is no guarantee that I will be able to maintain the loss indefinitely, so I would not want to be with a partner who would cease being attracted to me if my body changes.

I know I’m not a perfect catch, and I’m not saying I’m entitled to a relationship without putting in any sort of effort on my part.  I know I’m not the easiest person to date.  I’m stubborn and I hold people to very high standards of behavior (sometimes), but I also tend to hold myself to similar standards, i.e. respecting people’s time and feelings.  I’m a bit of homebody, and tend to drag my feet when it comes to participating in large outings.  I also realize that there might not be someone out there for me at all, which is okay (I’ll get dogs), my uterus does not ache to be filled with my genetic spawn.    With this realization comes the fact that I am unwilling to follow other people’s dating advice, because I’m not willing to compromise my personality, and in effect, my preferences.

As I’ve stated before, everyone is entitled to their preferences when it comes to finding a partner, and I feel that I should be included in this particular entitlement.   And even though, I do have preferences when it comes to general physical and personality traits that I look for in a potential mate, the most important quality that I look for is their preference for me.  I’ve been in relationships with men who have displayed tolerance or acceptance, but that’s not enough for me.  I don’t want to be loved in spite of my personality, I want to be loved for it, because I do believe that it’s worth being loved.   

To me, it’s always seemed that dating advice aims to change women to a more male-friendly version for themselves, but following “The Rules” or any other such book, is like following the Atkins diet.  Yes, you will reach your goal quickly, but just as with Atkins, who can keep it up for the rest of their lives? And if you do slip, and you will slip if such advice is not how you operate naturally, (because just because you’re not eating cookies, doesn’t mean you don’t still love them), it will cause issues in your relationship, or even if you don’t slip, could you really be happy for the rest of your life with a person who does not even know who you really are.  I know I wouldn’t be.

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Economic Issues That Women Care About

13 Apr

I know I said I wouldn’t talk about this, because I felt everything worth saying on this issue has already been said before, but I lied. There is one thing that hasn’t been mentioned, or at least I have not seen it in any of the political or feminist blogs that I read on a regular basis. Before I discuss the elephant in the room that everyone seems to have missed, let’s recap the events that lead up to my revelation.

First, we had the Blunt Amendment, that stated that employers are allowed to refuse insurance coverage for medical services for their employees that they deem contrary to their religious or moral beliefs. The big one we are talking about here is contraceptives. However, it might be important to think, what if a Jehova’s Witness organization refused to cover blood transfusions for it’s employees, possibly costing someone their life, how would that go over with the general public? The contraception discussion in D.C. sparked a domino effect of red states across the south passing a slew of laws restricting birth control, mandating trans-vaginal ultrasounds for abortions, and redefining personhood. This led to a Liberal backlash calling the new women’s health-centered legislation, the GOP’s “War On Women”. Conservatives, who suddenly remembered that women can also vote (and will in large numbers come November), denied the charges, with prominent female conservatives such as Nikki Haley stating that “women don’t care about contraceptives, [women] care about economic issues” (like taxes and jobs), and Mitt Romney deferring to his wife about the issues that “really” matter to women, and how this is NOT about women’s health, but about big government and how it shouldn’t interfere in an employer’s religious freedom. Finally, this week we watched Hillary Rosen torn apart for stating that Ann Romney is not an authority on the economic issues women care about, because she has had the privilege of never encountering them herself.

This brings me to my big, pink, tusked friend. Conservative women are shouting at the media, “stop talking about contraceptives! women don’t care about contraceptives! women care about economic issues! Look! I have polls!” The thing that I’m surprised that no one has really discussed, is the fact that access to contraceptives  IS an economic issue. Unless you’re a woman of post-menopausal age, contraceptives are a HUGE economic issue for you, and I’m not even talking about the hormonal contraceptives used to treat medical conditions such as ovarian cysts, endometriosis, and acne, just to name a few. I’m talking about access to contraceptives for the express purpose of preventing pregnancy.

 

For women in their twenties, it’s a no-brainer, we are just starting out our careers, we are likely unmarried, and may or may not even be in a committed relationship, we hardly have the time to take care of a houseplant let alone a child, and many of us are still paying off our student loans as well as trying to feed, clothe, and occasionally entertain ourselves. Preventing pregnancy is paramount to staying afloat, because let’s be honest abstinence is really not a realistic option for many women, because sex is an important part of any relationship, helping preserve intimacy and emotional connection. A lot of people also don’t realize the pressure many young women encounter from their partners to have sex, under the threat of ending the relationship or implied infidelity, and pressure to not use barrier contraception (i.e. condoms). Not all women have the strength or confidence to stand up for themselves in a romantic relationship, and these are the women who are being punished by restricting access to contraception. I’m a mathematician, and I enjoy numbers, so if a woman lives in a state that has active Planned Parenthoods, and does not have access to birth control coverage through her insurance, she will be paying about $140 for the prescription, 13 times a year, which is $1820 a year, that’s almost a down payment on a new car, or an extra student loan payment per month. For women with insurance coverage for birth control, the cost of a prescription is about $5- $15, 13 times a year. That’s more than a $1600 difference a year. Now, if we add up the cost of pregnancy (doctor’s visits, vitamins, maternity clothes), then the cost of raising a child, and let’s add on the loss of wages from maternity leave, missed raises and promotions, and the inability to maintain the same working hours to move up in the corporate structure. Those are just some of the economic issues that women in their twenties care about, but we’re not alone.

People never think about women in their thirties. Middle class women, who are married, or divorced, and may already have 2.5 children. Working moms, or stay at home moms, it makes no difference, because to them, birth control is still an issue. I don’t know who conservatives are fooling, but married people still have sex (look at Mitt’s five strapping sons). However, continuously producing children is not an option for most middle class couples, or single parents. Kids are great, and many people are fine with not preventing their occurence. Having FIVE kids, is, in and of itself, a privilege. Children are expensive, and they stay that way for the rest of a parent’s life. To many middle class families, having another child is the difference between a healthful meal and Hamburger Helper on the table, or the difference between sending their kids to a private college and a state school. I doubt those are issues that Ann Romney was ever forced to confront, but these are economic issues that many women in their thirties care about.

Last but not least are the women in their forties and fifties. These are women who may be married, or divorced, have teenage or grown children, and have been saving up for their retirement for the major part of their careers. They are home-owners, with mortgages, and are definitely more financially stable. They are ready to retire in 10-15 years, and are already day dreaming about their Mediterannean cruise or afternoons at the golf course or a possible move to Florida. However, these are also women who still have functioning reproductive systems. I know, I know, society does not like to think about women who have loose skin having sex, but they do, and sometimes more of it than the women we’d rather picture getting it on. With the kids out of the house, a lot of married couples reconnect during these years. However, imagine having a child at this point in life. True, some women do choose to have children later in life, and that’s very respectable, but the majority of women at this point are genuinely enjoying the independence that comes with grown children leaving the nest. Starting over with a baby at this point would cut into retirement savings, and most likely postpone retirement by another 10 -20 years, leading to a large decrease in quality of life post-retirement, as well as a heavier dependence on social security. Let’s also not forget, that after a certain age, the more affordable hormonal contraceptives carry stroke and blod clot risks, and the non-hormonal contraceptive options (copper IUDs, tubal ligation), have much heftier price tags. Those are just some of the economic issues that women in their forties and fifties care about.

So, when I hear the GOP try to tell me that women care about economic issues, not about contraceptives, I want to shout back, “they are the same thing!!” In fact, these are economic issues that a lot men care about as well, you know, those men that are married to and/or are having sex with those pesky women. My own mother is closing in on 50 soon, and my dad passed it a couple of years ago (sorry parents, now the whole internet knows how old you are), and I cannot imagine the two of them starting over and raising a child from scratch. They both work full time, and then some, and they have the energy to play with their new puppy for a total of 15 minutes before tiring and giving up. As much as my parents wanted more kids when they were younger (I’m an only child), I feel pretty confident in saying that having a baby at this stage of their lives would be the definition of their worst nightmare.

Good jobs are always scarce, and some of those may well be within a religious organization (think many affiliated colleges or hospitals). Legislature like the Blunt Amendment basically restrict the jobs that women can consider applying for, or accepting offers from, if they want to maintain control over their own bodies. This is an economic issue that women care about, and if they don’t, they should care, because many women take birth control for granted. Excuse me for sounding ominous, but if there are women who don’t care about contraceptives now, they will notice when they are gone.

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Don’t Be Ashamed, You’re Doing It Right

24 Mar

So it has been brought to my attention that the news have been filled with women’s reproductive rights issues. I’m not going to get into that discussion, because everyone and their dog has an opinion on the issue (side note: I still can’t believe they are still arguing about contraception, really?! Come on!). In fact, that is one of the reasons I have refrained from writing this past month; there is not a whole lot more to say on the subject that has not been said already. However, I do want to briefly touch upon Rush Limbaugh’s comments about Sandra Fluke, along with Foster Freiss advising women to use aspirin between the knees as contraceptive, which are both very blatant examples of “slut-shaming”. The thing is though, I’ve noticed that shaming is a common reaction to almost any lifestyle choice. Outside of slut-shaming, there is also body shaming, food shaming , and even shaming of different tastes when it comes to music, books, and alcohol. It makes me want to yell “live and let live!”, but instead I am going shame all of the shamers by writing about the  different types of shaming.

I am going to start with my personal favorite, and the one that’s been all over the news: slut-shaming. Now, when most people think of slut-shaming, they think of some old man wagging his finger at you for having too many sexual partners or telling you that wearing a mini-skirt can get you raped. I’m going to skip that. It’s easy enough to identify, and does not require more elaboration other than “don’t do it, it’s bad”. What I want to discuss is indirect slut-shaming. This particular technique is harder to spot because it’s very passive and is usually not verbally directed at the person who is feeling shamed. For example, a woman who refers to herself as a slut after a single sexual encounter. In reality, she just wants the listener to disagree and tell her that she is, in fact, a very respectable and upstanding woman. And we do it, we tell her that it’s okay and that it has no bearing on her character, but on the inside, a lot of women may be thinking, “If one night makes you a slut, what must you think of me when you hear about all of my sexual exploits?” Even though the whole tirade has nothing to do with her, the listener still feels shamed.

I want to issue a blanket statement in response to this attitude: Enjoying your sexuality does NOT make you a slut. A brief history lesson: slut, and other synonymous words, were created in patriarchal agrarian societies in order to control female sexuality and ensure the legitimacy of heirs. It’s outdated. Sex is a healthy part of any romantic relationship, and desiring and enjoying sex is not something to fear or be ashamed of, and if women are still calling each other and themselves sluts, how can we set a different standard for men?

My second favorite kind of shaming is food-shaming. Check out this great xojane post on the subject . This one is great, because you can’t get away from it, no matter what you actually eat. Personally, I’ve developed a pretty thick skin when it comes to food-shaming because my family has been doing it to me since before I can remember. Between grandma setting down a plate of food in front of me and saying “you don’t have to finish everything on the plate,” and my mom still keeping a running tab out loud of every morsel that goes in my mouth when I visit to do laundry (if it’s not about the fat content it’s about evil-breast-cancer-causing meat or dairy), I’ve grown accustomed to the circus of food-shame. I make allowances for my family’s behavior (because you can’t teach an old mother new ways of communication), and I’m sure they make allowances for mine, because we do tend to let our manners go around family. However, when has it become acceptable to make negative comments about the food choices of people outside of your immediate family? I don’t know if it’s a cultural thing, but I was brought up to never call another person’s food “gross”, it’s just bad manners. The best part is, I’ve encountered this reaction with almost anything that I’ve eaten: carnivores have said this about my veggie burgers, vegetarians have said this about my steak, and most recently, a few co-workers felt the need to repeatedly say this about my sushi throughout the whole time I was eating it. I feel like these types of comments I could expect from young kids who haven’t been taught any better yet, but when they are coming from full-grown adults, it’s completely inappropriate. I would actually like to hear some input about this one. Do you think it’s okay to make derogatory remarks about another person’s meal? Have you encountered this trend as well?

Finally, I want to touch upon shaming people based on their personal tastes.  I’ve raged against this one for a very long time: at least since my college radio station days, when your value as a person was determined by how many obscure indie bands you can rattle off in under 60 seconds. Music is the most common subject of shaming out of all the other personal tastes, but my anti-shaming protest reaches farther to literature, alcohol, video games, and even operating system choices. The biggest issue I have with this type of shaming is that it targets personal tastes. They are called personal tastes because they are …

wait for it…

PERSONAL!

If you like a band/book/video game that I have not yet encountered, by all means, introduce me, I always welcome fresh sources of entertainment, but if I try it, and don’t like it, then shrug your shoulders and move on with your life. Why does it irk people so profoundly when someone does not enjoy all the same things that they do? I’m gonna take a guess and say it has something to do with looking for validation of their own choices.

I can’t speak for anyone else, but when I listen to music, read a book, play a video game, or have a drink, I am actively seeking an enjoyable experience from that activity. True, some tastes can be acquired or trained towards something you wouldn’t naturally find  pleasing to your senses, but even the process of acquiring a new taste for something is a personal choice. I’m glad to hear about your Mac or your love of scotch whiskey, I’m sure they make you very happy, but please, for the love of all that is good, let me have my Windows and Riesling in peace.

Some people have gotten into their heads that if they don’t share particular tastes with another human being, then they are unlikely to get on well together.  But contrary to popular belief, difference in personal tastes is not a communication barrier, because let’s face it, listening to music is fun, but talking about music is incredibly boring. Let’s discuss politics or philosophy or religion, or we can gossip about our love lives or our jobs. Please don’t tell me about the lyrical depth of your favorite band, instead I would like to hear about your last sexual experience, in graphic detail. Conversation is a time for sharing, not a teaching moment.

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