Yeva’s Rules: Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby!

27 Aug

Have Safe sex: use condoms!

I don’t know if it’s because of summer or my desire to “christen” my new apartment, but I’ve had sex on my mind.  Unlike the regular run-of-the-mill hornball, when I think about sex, it isn’t just with the explicit purpose of getting some.  Rather, I like to analyze the whole process, and think about the difference between good, bad, and mediocre sex, as well as the difference in experiences between men and women.  This time, I am not going to write about relationships and calling your date after a one night stand, because your sexual morality is between you and yourself and the poor sap/sappette you’re banging.  However, I do wanna propose some basic rules for both genders that would make the experience better for both parties, as well as possibly facilitate finding partners to have sex with more often.  Also, I do want to preface this by saying that more of my rules are aimed at men because I have very limited insight into what men want in a sexual partner, but I will share the insight that I do have.


1.  If you want to get laid more, be good at sex.  

I know this sounds very elementary, but hear me out.  I hear a lot of men complain that women have it much easier when it comes to finding sexual partners or that their current sexual partners are not willing to have sex as often as they’d prefer.   Before you attempt this piece of advice, make sure that the problem is not an issue of hormones (some contraceptives severely decrease a woman’s libido), naturally mismatched libido, or some other physiological condition that may be making sex uncomfortable or unpleasurable for your partner.  I also urge you to remember no one is entitled to sex whether it is from a one night stand or from a long-term relationship or from your spouse.  This, however, will increase your odds.

It doesn’t matter how long you’ve committed to your current partner, whether it’s one night or a lifetime, it’s important to listen to what she is saying both with her words and her body language.  When a woman stiffens up, when her face looks uncomfortable, or when all “pleasure” sounds suddenly stop, that may be a pretty good sign that she is not enjoying herself anymore.  Here’s a couple simple tips:

a. Please try to remember, that you are not starring in a pornography film, and your partner most likely does not have the flexibility nor the pain tolerance for the acrobatics you are trying on her.

b.The vagina is a mostly internal organ, and even though it is tough enough to withstand pushing out a small human, that does not mean you need to test the integrity of a woman’s cervix by attempting to drill through it to China.

c. Find the clitoris, and then make friends with it.  This is important.

d. A woman’s body consists of more than just her breasts and her vagina.  Pay physical attention to more of it.

e. The female orgasm is not a competition.  There is no cash prize if you can get a woman to have one.  True, it is desirable, but there are occasions where it’s just not going to happen.  If you notice that your partner is no longer enjoying herself, and there is a significant decrease in lubrication, it may be time to take a break and try again later.  Trying to coax an orgasm out of a woman after the time of arousal has passed can range from uncomfortable to downright painful, and in that case, giving up is a-okay.

There is also some great tips on achieving the female orgasm in The 4-Hour Body, and I advise you to check it out.

Guys, while you’re reading this, you might be asking, “What’s in it for me? Why should I care if this girl I’m never going to see again is going to get off?”  Well, that brings me to the first part of my advice: the “if you want to get laid more” part.  If you are a single guy, and this was just a night of casual sex with someone you just met or possibly a friend that you have no intention of dating, then you have just become what I call a “Reliable Source of Good Sex” for that woman.  Let me clarify.  While it may be true that women might have an easier time finding new sexual partners (I don’t always agree with this, but it’s not an argument I have any interest of exploring in this post), we have a much harder time finding new sexual partners that are also a satisfying experience for us.  Many of us, myself included, have a short list of men we know are going to provide a worthwhile experience for us.  Being on that list carries the benefit of engaging in some impromptu sex with a somewhat familiar partner.  Also, even if a guy on that list initiates first contact (a.k.a. “the booty call”), a woman is more likely to respond.  Thus, being on that list increases the likelihood of getting laid.

This also works for men in relationships.  I’m going to come clean about something right now.  I was once in a relationship that was extremely sexually unsatisfying.  I am not going to go into detail as to what made it that way, but he clearly had no one to tell him about sub-rules (a)- (e).  Also, I was younger and less sexually liberated then, which meant I was much less comfortable discussing my needs and providing constructive direction, and for that, I do take the blame.  On the other hand, the gentleman in question was also somewhat older than me, and at an age where he should have known better.  In any case, the bottom line was that I stopped putting out almost entirely.  I’ve also been in relationships where I literally could not get enough of my partner, and we would barricade ourselves in my bedroom for days on end.  So the point I’m trying to make here, is that more satisfying sexual experiences lead to more frequent sexual experiences.

I’m not just chiding the men here.  I have heard very similar complaints from male friends about their partners as well.  As a woman who does not have a penis, I can’t offer any concrete advice for the ladies in this department, but I beg you! Please put down the Cosmo sex tips.  No man wants honey dribbled on his balls, that is just a recipe for a horrible sticky mess and a possible yeast infection.  I can offer you this though:

a. Participate in the act.  Your vagina is not magical.  It is not enough to just lie there limply. Move your hips, make some noises, do something!

b. Do not use your teeth on delicate areas. ‘Nuff said.

c. Same as the guys, pay attention to your partners verbal and non-verbal cues.

2. Stop caring so goddamn much about hair.
This applies to both genders.  I’m not saying go all 70’s bush, or advising women to stop shaving their legs and armpits completely.  All I’m saying is that physical affection should not be conditional.  Personally, I prefer a natural guy, and I know many women who do as well.  No woman is going to enjoy rug burn on her breasts because of her man’s chest stubble.  And guys, stop expecting women to have the pubic hair of a 10 year old girl, by which I mean none at all.  I’m not going to lie and say I never wax, because I do, all I’m saying is loosen up a bit.  Our culture seems to want to equate hairlessness with cleanliness, which is just plain inaccurate.  For women, hair is there as a first line of defense against stuff getting into our lady garden.  For both genders, hair prevents friction during sex, which is useful in preventing skin inflammation in that area.  If you genuinely believe that a person’s body in its natural form is repulsive, I highly suggest re-evaluating your priorities.  I’m not trying to politicize your pubic hair maintenance choices here, I’m just trying to encourage people to enjoy themselves more rather than worry about their level of hairiness or trying to budget for a brazilian by skimping on groceries or other necessities.

3. Talk To Each Other

This should probably be first, but I’m putting it last so that it really sticks in everyone’s mind.  Talk to your partner.  Talk about your preferences as well as things that you hands-down do not enjoy.  Be open-minded to your partner’s desires.  Just because you haven’t thought of something before, does not mean you will not enjoy it if you try it, and if you absolutely do not want to try something, be respectful when saying “no”.  It takes a lot of courage for some people to share that part of themselves with their partner, and a thoughtless rejection can be a very hurtful blow.  Don’t laugh or dismiss your partner’s suggestions.  Be a decent human being.

I know I’m not an authority on sex, but this advice has been gathered from both personal experience and conversations with friends of both genders.  I think both genders sometimes neglect to share their views on sex with their current partners whether out of fear of rejection or of hurting the other person’s feelings.  So, I thought I would take it upon myself to share all the thoughts I’ve acquired on the subject.   That way, I’ve done all the hard work for you! Now go forth, and copulate!

8 Responses to “Yeva’s Rules: Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby!”

  1. gobey October 3, 2012 at 12:09 pm #

    As a guy, I find the act of sex to be the only point at which I can finally relax after the time-consuming and oftentimes humiliating process that is meeting women.

    Girls seem to think that everything comes naturally to us guys, but getting on the good side of a woman’s circle of friends, being charismatic, a good storyteller, humorous, buff and fashionable takes a lot of time, and withstanding rejection from the multiple women you need to approach just to find someone who likes you takes a lot of confidence and willpower.

    When it comes down to it I don’t want the reward for my hard work to be even more work, so I tend to be pretty selfish in bed.

    It sucks that it has to be that way.

    • blogsfeme October 3, 2012 at 12:22 pm #

      That is absolutely fine. No one said you *have* to do anything I outlined above. I just implied that doing some good sex would lead to more of it. If you’re getting enough as it is, grats! If you’re not, but are still unconcerned, that’s a-ok.

      Sidenote: as a woman, and I’m not proud of this, but sometimes you don’t have to be as good at all the other things if you’re good at sex. You can tell the most inane joke, but if you just made me come 4 times, I will think it’s ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS!

      • gobey October 3, 2012 at 12:31 pm #

        Regarding your sidenote, a guy won’t get to that point unless he’s good at the other parts first. That’s why I drop the act once in bed, and just do my thing and get out.

        I’ve known dudes who kill themselves not only trying to pick women up, but also being sex gods in bed. I honestly don’t understand what they’re getting out of it, besides the affirmation that yes, they’re awesome.

        • blogsfeme October 3, 2012 at 12:38 pm #

          *shrug* lucky girls.

          I don’t think it should be that much work to engage in a relationship with a woman. Being a decent human being should be enough, and if that’s a lot of work for you, well that’s a whole other issue. Otherwise, if your potential dating partners require that much maintenance, I would re-evaluate the type of women you are pursuing.

          I don’t know anyone who expects their partner to always be “ON”. For fuck’s sake, that’s exhausting. I mean, if you don’t care about the women you’re sleeping with, then keep doing what you’re doing. I know, for me, if I’m seeing someone, I care about how they feel (in and out of bed). That’s just me though.

          • lm September 10, 2013 at 8:27 pm #

            “*shrug* lucky girls.”

            Ugh. Not really.

            • Yeva September 10, 2013 at 8:55 pm #

              Well yea, it was sarcasm

      • gobey October 3, 2012 at 1:51 pm #

        Well, I was mostly talking about one-night stands. When it comes to relationships, it’s obviously important to be considerate of your partner’s sexual needs. I thought that was implied.

        But yeah, when it comes to one-night stands, it IS a chore for guys. It really sucks to be honest, but that’s what you get for having a male libido I suppose!


  1. I’m Back: Housekeeping and Apologies | blogsfeme - October 11, 2013

    […] this post, which was my first attempt at discussing sex, I did so in a very hetero-normative and cissexist […]

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