Vibrators and Mustaches: These Are a Few of My Favorite Things

6 Dec

Over the past couple of months, I have been approached to offer sex advice from a female (and sometimes feminist perspective). I’ve received a few questions in the mail, so this is going to be my first installment of my sex advice articles (name pending, suggestions welcome).

The first question is a little bit delayed since it is now December, but I think it is still relevant:

My boyfriend is growing a mustache for Movember. I find it wonderful that he’s doing it for a great cause to raise money and awareness to men’s health issues, but I have two major problems with it. The first is that I think he’s doing it for the wrong reasons because of all of the positive (and often inappropriate) attention he gets from his female coworkers. The more important issue is that I no longer find him as attractive and think he looks a bit like a rapist trucker. What should I do?

Hairy Situation

Not everyone can make a 'stache look this good.

Not everyone can make a ‘stache look this good.

Well, Hairy, I am going to be honest with you. I cannot relate. I love Movember, and all the facial hair I feel like I’m swimming in all month long. Seriously, this is a girl who loves her some thick beard. But I digress. In any case, I still think I can answer your question in a helpful way, even if it is December, and hopefully your boyfriend has shaved the object of your discontent. However, I think this question is relevant all year round, because sometimes our loved ones do things to their face and hair that we may or may not enjoy, whether for their motives or aesthetic value.

So, I think here we have two very different questions pertaining to a single situation. For the first part, you, Hairy, are concerned about his motives, whether he is growing it for a good cause or for the attention of other women. And to that I say, why does it matter? Now be honest with me, Hairy, do you put on make-up and do your hair and pick out your outfit solely for your personal enjoyment, or that of your boyfriends? Or do you enjoy the occasional look you get from men at work or on the street because you know you look really cute that day? There’s nothing wrong with feeling that way. Just because you’re in a committed relationship, does not mean you are dead. To a lot of people, both men and women, attention from the opposite sex (or same sex – I personally enjoy compliments from women more than from men, because women pay closer attention) is a confidence boost. It makes them feel good and helps get them through the workday drudge. So unless one of your boyfriend’s co-workers is using his mustache as handle bars to steer his face into the depths between her legs, you really have nothing to worry about.

The part about you no longer being attracted to your boyfriend, Hairy, concerns me a bit more. First let’s do away with the term “rapist trucker”. Driving truck is a respectable career, and those poor guys tend to get a bad rap because they are sometimes a bit socially awkward, but who wouldn’t be after spending hours by yourself on the road with no one to talk to. Anyway, it’s understandable that when the appearance of your Significant Other (SO from here on out) changes significantly, it may affect your attraction to him. This issue is relevant beyond the no-shave winter months, because this change can be a weird new haircut or dye job or even a major and sudden weight fluctuation (up or down).

In your particular case, Hairy, I would suggest using the mustache as part of sexual role-play to help you see it in a different light. Maybe pretend he’s a trucker, and you’re a hitchhiker, and you are “just soooo thankful for the ride…” — you see where I’m going with this? Pretend it’s part of the sexual costume, and you might learn to enjoy it. Worst case scenario, close your eyes and think of him without a mustache — just kidding.

As far as the more general case, in a relationship, I feel like if you are comfortable enough to get naked and insert Part A into Hole B, you should be comfortable enough to VERY NICELY tell your partner that you aren’t feeling their new style. Most people will make reasonable efforts to be attractive for their partner, and by reasonable, I don’t mean surgery or something that may cause a huge change in their day to day lives.

I’m brand new to vibrators (or any sex toys, for that matter), but I really want to get one. Where should I start?

New Vibes

Oh! Vibes! You have come to the right place! This is my absolute favorite subject! Seriously, I can spend a whole day browsing and discussing sex toys. For the sake of brevity, we are going to assume you are a lady, looking for a vibrator that will help with vaginal and/or clitoral stimulation. For a discussion on other sex toys, I recommend you e-mail me with a specific (or general) question. I don’t know where to start! I just want to spin around in the hills of Austria and sing! Also, I would like to give a shout-out to a certain young man who used to work overnights at my local sex shop down the street who helped me pick out my first ever vibrator four years ago!

Safety

Common jelly dildo.

Common jelly dildo.

This is the most important thing when it comes to shopping for a vibrator. Sex toys are not regulated by the FDA, so manufacturers don’t have to list what the product is made of on the packaging. Many “lifelike” toys, known as “jelly toys”, contain high concentrations of a group of chemicals known as phthalates, which are highly toxic. The best way to check if a toy is safe from these chemicals is by smell. If you are browsing for a toy in a store, most sex shops will be more than glad to take the vibrator out of its packaging to show you the strength of its vibes and to let you get a feel of the material. Take this time to get a good whiff of the toy. If it has ANY SMELL AT ALL, then it is not a safe toy and you should not buy it. If you are shopping for toys online, I recommend Smitten Kitten and Babeland. Both of these retailers offer only phthalate-free toys, as well as a educational resources for the new buyer.

Choosing the Right Toy

Most women best achieve orgasm through clitoral stimulation, so giant insertion vibrators are kind of overkill in my opinion. My favorite type of vibrator are ones marketed as “G-spot” vibrators, but the secret is actually using them on your clitoris. They do not usually resemble anything biological (read: a penis), rather they are shaped like a curved handle. I like to think of it as a pointer:

G-Spot Vibrator

G-Spot Vibrator

Just point the tip at your clitoris, and voila! Also, they come in all sorts of colors and nondescript shapes if you are embarrassed to pack your toy in your suitcase for a trip or for it to be found in a nightstand drawer. Just say it’s a facial pore massager or a paper-weight while maintaining a look of complete innocence.

For those of you looking for something extra discrete, many stores offer vibrators shaped like lipstick cases…

Just don't try to apply this to your lips... or do!

Just don’t try to apply this to your lips… or do!

…or tiny vibrators that you can wear on your finger, and then hide in your pocket:

Again, just point and click!

Again, just point and click!

If you are looking for a more hands-free experience, there are toys that come with tiny remotes or those that you can plug into your iPod and it will vibrate to your favorite indie rock song that only you know about.

Go ahead, try DubStep. I dare ya!

Go ahead, try DubStep. I dare ya!

The possibilities are endless, so take your time to shop around. Don’t be afraid to ask store attendants for a demonstration of the toy; most people who work in sex shops have seen and heard every request imaginable, and are very happy to help.

2 Responses to “Vibrators and Mustaches: These Are a Few of My Favorite Things”

  1. Dan_Brodribb January 1, 2013 at 5:03 pm #

    Found your blog via Dr. Nerdlove.

    Good stuff!

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